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Janus

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[12 Sep 2009|11:31pm]
Moved into our new place today.

Still have a lot of unpacking to do, but already have all the utilities set up.

More later, but before I go...

Happy Birthday Epona!
2 comments|post comment

[10 Sep 2009|02:56pm]
Finally.

We are moving into our first house as of tommarrow morning.
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Just once [31 Aug 2007|04:04pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Just once, I would like to have a leader I believed in. Someone of virtue and thought and compassion.

Just once, I would like to follow every call of my heart and live without consequence.

Just once, I would like to see a day where not one person died.

Just once, I would like to be swept completely away by an act of unremarkable bravery.

Just once, I would like to say I am sorry to the people I have hurt but cannot because they are dead.

Just once, I would like to spend a million dollars, without one cent going to me.

Just once, I would like to have a threesome with two unfamilar (sexually, at least) women.

Just once, I would like to not feel a swell of remorse when I accidentally kill a bug, or anything for that matter.

Just once, I would like for western medicine to give me an answer.

Just once, I would like to not have any car problems.

Just once, I would like to change the world dramatically.

Just once, I would love to express to you how much you mean to me in the most powerful way possible. That is, I would like to die knowing I preserved you.

5 comments|post comment

Trip down memory lane of Epona, part 2! [18 Jun 2006|11:31pm]
yes, yesss, *tents hands* my evil plans come to fruition! Animate dildo's shall ravage the land and attack unsuspecting passerbye like evil flying lemurs!

yes, YES, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!
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[25 May 2006|06:47am]
Following the meme trend (what a way to break an extended silence):

11 comments about 10 people off my friends list.
I will not say who these 10 are or confirm or deny any speculation, though you are free to guess to your hearts content.

Off we go.


Ohh, one thing - One person is special and has two entries.

1) I pity you. If I ever had a vision or dream of a structure burning (especially a bridge), it is about you. I do not hate you, but I shake my head at times in exasperation. You seem to be an idiot, bumbling your way past common sense and into the arms of mistake readily and willingly, though we both know that is not the case. I do miss you on occasion, as you always managed to make me smile.

2) At first I was very wary of you. You carried a reputation for being a cynical mean-hearted fuck. Then I got to know you and found someone I not only liked, but one I looked up to. I am still very fond of you and will probably always be. I count you as a friend and only wish I could someone give you more stability, though I cannot.

3) I have always been attracted to you, in more ways than I care to cheaply define through numbers, though I doubt you will ever know how much. You are not simply blessed, but are a blessing in turn to every person who touches you. I love you like blood and like the quintessential ideal of a partner. I will never find the gumption to ever tell you how I truly feel, but in any case, I thank you forever for being a figure clad in light to me.

4) If there was ever a soul I could level with, it is you. There is so much of you I can look up to, but never do I feel that it is a requirement with you. You do not require praise, though you get it often I am sure. You have been there for both Michelle and I when we needed it, and I appreciate it endlessly. Someday soon I will look you up and we will get drunk.

5) At worst, you aggravate me at times. Over the littlest things too. At best (which is usual), you are one of the most important people in my life, and everyday I am enriched by your presence. I have a hard time voicing how important you are to me, especially voicing it to you. I do not know why it is difficult, though I do manage to get something out in that neighborhood. You are not a friend. We have a different name for each other. I love you.

6) I am confused by you. You stir up shit needlessly and let others clean it up for you. Despite how many I know who loathe you, I cannot bring myself to do it. I think you are very smart and very brave with words, but also very afraid without them. I sometimes ponder if uncomfortable silences are common with you, and equally wonder what a magnificent creature you would be without fear.

7) I like you a lot. You entered into something I am very picky about, and I think you are the only person who is not a mistake in that something. I could say you are intelligent, that you are friendly, that you are charismatic, and all would be true. However, I say you are a dreamer and I appreciate the dreams you share with me. I hope to have more soon.

8) Let shit go. Allow people to change your opinion of them. Your way is not always right. Charity begins at home. I can only say these things because I love you. Something is broken in you and in me as well. We are going to fix it.

9) Were I single, or in an open relationship, I would rip your pants off and be damn near violent in my fucking of you, from every conceivable angle and position.

10) I dislike you. You are not the person whom I once thought you were. You are petty, self-absorbed and cruel. I am saddened over the people you have hurt and people you will blithely hurt again I am sure. I looked up to you in a way once. However, your play has become transparent to all but fools. You are male.

11) I think you got a bum rap. I have always enjoyed your company and still thing you are a great individual in a job that opposes that greatness. I guess we are all there though at some time. A lot of people talk badly of you. I like to shut them up occasionally. If I had to define you in one word, it would be: renaissance.


That is that. Bedtime.
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For Chris, and really everyone [31 Jan 2006|06:49am]
Enjoy the maze, see how steady your hand is. Hint: Sounds effects help.

http://www.winterrowd.com/maze.swf
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[04 Jan 2006|12:04pm]
Well now that the inital anger has passed, I got to say that practically the entire second half of the second paragraph of my last post is posturing. I am not that kind of person to spead shit around just for the benefit of watching one person squirm for one incident, regardless of how upset I get. I am sure I could if the slight was grievious enough, but then it would not be a 'slight' by definition, would it?

So, instead, please disregard the threats Missy. I am still upset and disappointed, and still in part angered to a certain degree. I still think what you did was a childish bid for points with Kaz, and think you should take a few steps back from that before you end up hurting others or getting hurt yourself. However, I will not go dredging in your past, recent or otherwise, looking for objects of shame to polish and flaunt. It would be pathetic on my part and would cheapen me more than it would you in any case.

Consequently,

Thank you Matt. Like always, your council is sage and very much so appreciated.
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Superman [18 Nov 2005|08:19pm]
Below is a link to a site where you can view the new teaser trailer. I haven't been this excited about a movie since T2.


Man of steel
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[28 Oct 2005|11:35pm]
I am going to write a book or three. I think I will take Josh's advice and write a short story detailing the persona of Xander Bane as a warm up.
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Book [28 Oct 2005|08:44am]
Other Change of Hobbit
2020 Shattuck Ave
Berkeley, CA 94704-1117

Friday, Oct. 28th at 6:30pm

I will be there with bells on.
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RANT, beware [24 Sep 2005|03:39pm]
I like to watch people and dissect their behavior. For some, I cannot make heads nor tails of them most of the time. Most though, I feel I know them well. All of this is basically harmless until:

They do something wrong.

This is when I feel I get keener insight into them than ever before, perhaps even into the nature of what is is to be a human being. By wrong, I do not mean that an accident occurs, no. I mean they do something that deliberately violates a basic ethical or moral standard. Now even this is not the real rub. Everyone has those moments where they fold to a more sinister side of them. The problem, the real problem, is lying. People lie. They lie to others. They lie to themselves. It seems that the vast majority of people gauge their self-worth on what they percieve to be others opinions of them and do their damndest to accomidate, but that is something for another post.

You want to be seen as intelligent? Put someone down, but do not do it in a fashion where they can counter or even understand, no. Instead, play innocent and make their resulting anger seem fruitless and baseless. THEN trick yourself into believing that you had no hand in this by refusing to evaluate your own reasoning. You want something you should not have? Then take it and blame it on a friend, one who you know is faultless, so you can offer them support of vindication even though secretly, you want them to take the blame out of some morbid curiousity or desire to see them weak, or more potently in your control. THEN lie to yourself with delusions like 'I deserved this anyway. This person is really a bad person, so it is warranted'. Lie to yourself, feed on your lies, gorge on them.

The problem with lies is this. It is not lying to another, but yourself. When you glut yourself on your own lies, eventually you will choke on them.

Bringing this up, I will voice what I feel. I feel cheapened and cheated. I feel like I have went through crucible after crucible of self-evaluation and self-loathing because of it (Oh yes, I have done horrible things), while others skate off without those tests by doing something that is much easier than it sounds. I feel like not being able to sleep more than four hours a night because you hate what you have done and wish like hell you could undo it while there are those that do worse things that sleep like babies. I am upset at karma, and want to know where the fairness in this is?

Rant off for now. I gotta go and have some enjoyment today, get my mind off of this.
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[31 Aug 2005|06:20am]
Where has my temperance fled to?
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[12 Jul 2005|11:00am]
So, as per a promise to the wise Koga, I feel obliged to put up something indicative of the real me... problem is, I cannot seem to think of anything that would appropriate describe the fugue, eyes-open-wide-but-not-seeing-shit state I am presently in and thus have resolved to change it. So, let me take you on my journey of self discovery by retelling my path to, well, you will see (Cause I am writing this as I go, bear with me).


Path to the obviousCollapse )


The topicCollapse )

TiggolebittiesCollapse )

Man in blackCollapse )

BluesbrotherCollapse )

BitchCollapse )

Birthday-suit pleaseCollapse )

Hurricane Eric dying downCollapse )

Mystery ManCollapse )



More mentions later. Right now, drama found me again :(
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Might as well [12 Jul 2005|07:28am]
Some people attacked Josh and accused him of stirring the shit. Point in fact, regarding this issue he has had no hand in it. He was suprised, I assure you. I mean, considering how much he went to bat for everyone over there at the house and spoke up for you in Pat and Richard's presence, people who dislike him or otherwise.

Regarding this and the fact it happened though, I am not so suprised. Josh is seen as the creator of problems and the devil by those that do not get to know him (not that knowing him is an easy feat. He is a complicated individual). Let me set the record straight: Josh is not the creator of problems nor is he the devil. He is the one who points out there is a problem, and often he is the devils advocate. As I figure, he does this to promote empathy, let you see the other side of the story and encourage you to walk a little bit in shoes of those you dislike. Any who cannot embrace this aim at it's core is prideful. Pride is a weakness. You are being weak.

Barring 107 degree fever repeats, I am candid to everyone over there regarding my like. I do not bear any of you ill will. In fact, I like and will continue to like all of you. I do not talk shit about you behind your back and say nothing that I would not say to your faces (except for Morgan, because if I said "Morgan, shut up and leave me alone please!" it may be destructive to her(as an aside, Morgan is a child and no, I am NOT blaming Mikey or Shannon. My intolerance is mine own and it is in regards to children as a whole I think, NOT Morgan specifically(and hell, I should probably start working on that in case I ever want rugrats of my own))).

Still, be advised, you fucked up. You besmirched Josh falsely and gave him a hell night, and have yet to appoligize for the tresspass. Karma is a bitch (no, not a threat: Please take this as simple calm fact), and you know, Josh could have EASILY gotten a substancial revenge and acted as Kismet already, but he STILL defends that house and everyone in it (albeit, he does not like one person in that house, but he still defends her).

Look, though you may not believe it, the simple fact is that when the chips are down, Josh's intentions were pure, you did not see it and you ASSUMED he was attacking you when he was doing anything but. The way nature works is you can pay this slight off with a little pride-swallowing or a lot of stinking nasty happenstance when it comes full circle.

My advice would be talk to Josh without assumtions, and see if you can see what I do and determine if an appoligy is warranted. It is also my advice to tell Pat exactly how it is in your relationships when she asks, or tell her it is not her buisness. Either is acceptable. Much <3 to you all, I hate it when this shit happens to me (and it does), but I believe in the character and caliber of people over there.
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New Pic [17 Jun 2005|06:16am]
You rock Shannon!
1 comment|post comment

For Johanna (Or anyone who dislikes their boss) [14 Jun 2005|02:19pm]
Whack your boss

My favoriate is the stapler.
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Game [28 Mar 2005|06:45am]
Was off the hook.

Hats off to you Chris, that was the best fun I have had playing DnD in years.
3 comments|post comment

New icon [10 Mar 2005|04:18pm]
Don Hertzfeldt strikes again!
3 comments|post comment

One thing that I miss [04 Mar 2005|03:30am]
I miss striving. I miss the high road, the one less travelled. I miss my blood, shed willingly and with a smile, because it symbolized a choosen difficulty. Everytime a shinai broke my knuckles I could be found inside myself, fighting the pain and completely relishing the sensation. Not the pain, I am no masochist. No, the sensation of moving past it, climbing, rising, moving above it. Everytime I felt jealous or hurt emotionally, I would begin to challenge myself, my feelings. I would kick my inner demons in the face as I made leaps and bounds past them.

When my still unidentified condition first hit me, my self-imposed difficulties fell by the wayside so I could concentrate on the ones that were not opted for. Some were perhaps nessicary to leave behind temporarily, some not. In hindsight, this was a bad idea, leaving any behind without a fight. I feel I have become something I should not have because I set things down, because I gave up. When that pain hit me I let it control me. Why didn't I fight it more? With giving in to it, to bullshit rhetoric from doctors who could not help me, to feelings of depression, isolation, jealousy, I gave up me. Really though, those closest to me are the ones who have felt the hardship of it most of all.

My friends have all either said or made clear that they believe I have changed. I have changed, and not for the better. It is not the fact that my illness swept me away. It likely would have done so anyway. However, I feel like it did so easily because I was not there to fight, that I should have made the gesture to rise above even knowing it would be fruitless. Oh, I fought when I felt I had to. When taking codene became to easy, I quit, among other things. Still, there is a differance. I had to fight those things. I did not choose to. My hand was forced and yes, I easily moved past them. Still, I feel that somehow those challenges mean less because I have allowed so many more to go by without a fight, little things like pettiness, anger, fear... especially fear. Fear for Michelle, fear for the right thing, hell, even fear for my cats.

Perhaps it is late, I am tired and making little sense. However, consider this an offical reminder to self that you are now backtracking that proverbial road, picking up your striving and moving onward again with it. You will never put it down again Janus, not for anything. Not for convience or anything else.
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Memories, part one [27 Feb 2005|04:44am]
*wobbles her ass at you* you see this, YOU SEE THIS? THIS is an ass, YOU don't have an ass! SO, HA!!
I have more ass then you'll EVER hope to have! Marvel at my ghetto booty! Oh the awesome jiggly power of my exceedingly large ass! You know you want ass like this, he knows you want ass like this, she knows you want ass like this, but are you gonna get ass like this? NOOOO!!!
Skinny white boy, you aint black enough for my big black cock...

...yeah, where'd I put that asprin?


quoth the Poni, nevermore.
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